If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
