I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
