Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
