u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
