i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Damn victory sex feels great
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