I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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