Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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