Hey man sorry I got all grabby
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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