its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
