my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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