Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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