So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
