I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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