not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
