Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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