Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Randomize
