I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
