I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
