Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
