She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
