Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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