she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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