I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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