I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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