I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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