just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
