I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
