How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
