Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
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