dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
