we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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