Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
How does it feel to date your dad?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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