My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
