My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Girls should come with a carfax report
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
