I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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