I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
