Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
