I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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