i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
