they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
