Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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