I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
