I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
