In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Dignity is for republicans.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
