please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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