Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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