I just made out with a guy for $7.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
