i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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