I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
The struggles of a small town man whore
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
