birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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