**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
We left the knife in your bed.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
