Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
