she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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