I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
